We have just had supper, the children sleep, we are sipping a drink. We are listening to good music, we talk, we relax. And now Xavier Rudd sings loudly: “What does your heart say?` … I stop, I ask myself and I cry gently … My heart is relieved … finally! But what does my heart really say? For almost a month, we left Quebec, looking for a new routine, a new place to settle, a new life! In search of happiness! Isn’t a wonderful place here? One of the places prized in Canada? But why am I unable to marvel around me? But what am I really looking for? That’s what haunts me since I arrived here. Yet, I have everything to be happy. I am surrounded by my precious family, I have friends and family! My husband supports me. My children are happy. I am surrounded by nature, mountains, 2 large lakes. I am in a paradise, a popular place, warm and good to live in. The routine is already established, installed … The children leave hopping for school, another school, another type of life teaching! I am alone, I can run and find myself alone with myself. I should be happy? That’s what I wanted, right? I run on the beach through the mountains. I should be ecstatic, right? And yet, what does my heart want? But what am I doing here? My children are happy, and yet … The people around me tell me that it’s the best decision of their lives to have moved here in the Okanagan Valley! And yet, I still wonder what am I doing here?

I can still hear the waves hitting gently on the hull. I still feel the warm wind in my hair. I can still see the hot sun slowly descending to the horizon. I can still hear the seabirds playing in the waves. I feel the sea, the salt water that surrounds and fills me. I am good, my heart is good, my body is naked and warm … I still live the freedom that only a sailor can understand. This freedom that invaded me, that allowed me to be where I am, where I am. But why am I here now? What do I want? What am I worth? What can I bring to this life here?

I cannot justify myself. I can not comply. I cannot stop. I do not want to stop evolving. I cannot slow down, stop, take a break. I can hardly come back. To return to earth. On this terrifing, dizzying land, which goes (too) fast. On this land that forgets to breathe. Where money dictates the actions and behaviors of too many people … Compassion, sharing and honesty go too far behind … I’m afraid to come back. I am afraid of the routine. I’m afraid that this routine closes me and I forget who I became, forget what I learned. I’m afraid of being in a mold too tight for me. I’m afraid of lacking spontaneity. Fear of no longer meeting these beautiful people, that the sea brought us such a gentle breeze and comforting. I’m afraid of missing adventures. Fear of losing that flame that lights me from the inside. Fear of losing that intensity, that will, that spark. I’m afraid of being cold, of not being able to warm myself … I’m afraid of running out of air! I panic … But what does my heart want?

Happiness … It’s so ephemeral …

I know that I have to cultivate, shape and maintain it. I know that I have to (re) build it, create it, redo it. I know I have to deal with it. But I feel alien in my own country. I feel observant. I feel transformed and unfit. I feel that I have witnessed our grand planet. I saw some facets without any ability to assimilate fully. I feel that I am not quite back. I wonder if we really come back. At least, not as we left. I didn’t process all of it yet. I feel helpless. Unable to be here 100%. But who am I now? I start again, I’m looking for myself, once again … but this time it is by far the most difficult, the most arduous, the most painful way I’ve ever had to go … It’s a deep, inner path , sinuous. It’s an unexpected, solitary and silent way …

I have to go ahead proudly. I have to shrug my shoulders and continue. I have to move on. I must find my way, my joy, new and still invisible to my eyes. I must let my heart guide me. I have to trust. I have to let life go and trust it.

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